kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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