my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
