i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
