Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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