She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
