Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Randomize
