I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
