Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
