hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
