i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
