I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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