woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
