All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Randomize
