Whod you bang
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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