some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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