You're my little dorito
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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