My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
