You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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