yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
