She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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