My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
