I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
