I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dignity is for republicans.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
