just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
