i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize