I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
