You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
