just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
