the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Dick very happy bro
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