No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize