my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
