mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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