I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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