I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
