naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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