i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
