I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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