Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
