Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
