She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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