I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
