I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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