i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have already put on my inside pants.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
