I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
