Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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