HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
