I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
