What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
