Already got asked if we're dating
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
