i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
