i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
