The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
