I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
