I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
