I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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