I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
