just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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