it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize