First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
